Holidays are fast approaching and with that comes gatherings and the typical intrusive questions. Here comes my written rant to hopefully make some of us think before we ask or make unwelcome comments.
Asking someone who has been in a long relationship when they are going to get married is almost on the same level as asking someone when they are going to have kids. First, it’s really none of your business, maybe the first question should be “do you want to get married?” and from their response you can continue to ask questions and not mind your business.
I get it, especially in the Latino culture, it’s shocking to be in your late 20’s, early 30’s, or in a long term relationship and not be engaged, married or not have kids. Now, I have nothing against people engaged, married or with kids. I actually think it is amazing but everyone moves at their own pace. If a couple wants to get married 3 months after meeting on Tinder, hey–that’s them. If they want to get married 12 years after being together or never get married then that’s also their damn problem. It doesn’t affect your life whatsoever, it’s just that some of us are ingrained with the concept that our life cycle involves a relationship, a few years committed, ring, marriage, kids.
Now, I am not saying I don’t want my boyfriend to be my husband, I really like how that sounds but it’s not my main priority in my relationship. I have been in a lonnng relationship and I think the fact that we have been able to work on the multiple ups and downs shows how much our love for each other is worth fighting for and no marriage license or ceremony is going to be more powerful than that. And no, I am not trying to diminish the value of this sacred communion (I’m not religious at all FYI). I think it’s great that many hold such level of value, passion and respect towards it but don’t assume everyone has to think like you, value things like you, or prioritize like you, that is where my issue lies.
I personally think the same applies to asking someone when they plan on having kids as if you are assuming they want any or they are not already trying. I know people who really are trying to get pregnant and they simply can’t at the moment and this intrusive question hits a nerve and may be hurtful.
For the ones who are not sure if they want any kids or maybe do not want any period, asking this question over and over becomes frustrating especially when you actually respond and say “at [insert age in 30’s] and they respond “oh no, you will be too old then and will not enjoy them.” So you wanted an answer, I gave you one, and now it’s not the right one–give me a break! Then, your question should have been “you are only getting older, shouldn’t you start having kids now?” to what I respond, in my head, “no the fuck I’m not” or “if it means my kids will turn out like yours, I’ll just sell my ovaries instead.”
I think some people are getting better with this, but others insist with this question as if the creation of kids would somehow complete me, validate my existence, or make me happier.
But one of the reasons I am honestly writing this is the feeling I get when I am asked these questions. First, I don’t really care about how nosy you are, but there are times I get this feeling that I am being judged because I am not fulfilling an imaginary timing protocol. It’s like your question implies an attempt to define how my life should evolve. Or that for some reason, I am not good enough yet because I don’t have a ring on my finger, have a marriage certificate or kids. I know I have to work more on not caring what others think and work on not creating imaginary judgments passed upon me. But the people who also ask those questions should reflect a little more before asking them.
Are you asking because you genuinely care about my thoughts on my future family or are you asking to be nosy or to make a statement on how I should be planning my future and insinuating I should put more urgency in it. But urgency to what?
It’s 2018, it’s not like I am waiting to get married to lose my virginity or I have a life expectancy of 45 years–it always kills me when others say I’m too old to have kids and won’t enjoy them, what are they a piece of ice-cream? Are they going to melt as time passes?
Maybe the day will come and those who matter to the couple will know when it happens, I mean after asking such question did you expect the answer to be–well we think in 3 months but we haven’t announced it yet but thanks for asking, uh no honey, lol it’s not likely you are going to get that.
All and all, I think there are better questions to ask a person who is in a long relationship in their late 20s or 30s without assuming marriage or kids are the ultimate validation to it. Ask me how am I doing, if I’m happy, what makes me happy or ask me about my interests, my future plans and upcoming goals, that’s it. I think I make sense, right? Anyway, thanks for reading my rant, until the next post, chau!
Disclaimer: I know these questions are not always asked with bad intentions. Everyone is not intrusive and many do not speak from their preconceived stereotypes and judgments.
EMPOWERING OTHERS DOESN’T MEAN FORCING YOUR BELIEFS OF THE PERFECT LIFESTYLE UPON OTHERS OR EVEN ENCOURAGING THEM TO MIMIC THE PATH OF “THE BEST YOU.” THERE IS NO ONE WAY OF DOING THINGS.